My first path was the study of martial arts. As a private student, I underwent intense and challenging practices and teachings. Later, I met my husband, who is both a yoga master and a quantum physicist. We decided to retreat to an isolated place in order to dedicate ourselves solely to our spiritual practice. Under his guidance, I practiced meditation, studied ancient Tibetan and Indian philosophy and scriptures and even in my dreams I practiced Tibetan Dream Yoga – all in search of some final Truth.
After many years of practice, I decided to dive into Lucid Dreaming deeper than I ever had before. Both my martial arts teacher and my husband warned me that they couldn’t take responsibility…. So, I decided to go alone and totally surrender to the experience. “Lucid dreaming is to realize during a dream that one is dreaming. With this realization and awareness, one can influence and change the dream, just as one might do in a day dream. But in Lucid Dreaming, the sensations are more intense, vivid and more profound than in waking life. In the end we can observe the purest form of conscious awareness.” This was my goal.
In my dream I could do everything that I wanted, and receive whatever I wished for in my life. Later, even in my daily life, I was able to do some miraculous things, that make no sense to the mind. I felt the exhilaration and power of manipulation and I was very proud of this achievement. In my dream world, every sensation was much more vivid and intense than in the waking state. After a certain point in my practice, I couldn’t find much difference between dreaming or waking reality. I have seen that all is in my mind, everything is just a dream, even my life. On one hand this realization was true, but on the other hand I had lost connection with ‘reality’.
Then one day, when I was lying in bed, an uncontrollable and powerful energy began to overwhelm me. It dominated my body and I completely lost control. I was trapped. I realized that something was terribly wrong. I felt incapable of handling the intensity of this energy. My Guides told me that very soon, one morning I would just not wake up anymore. So, I went to a scientist who had spent a lifetime researching shamanism, to ask for guidance. He said in shamanic terminology this was called ‘shaman’s sickness’, which meant that nobody could help me and I would have to find my own way out alone. I would either die or become a healer. If I succeeded, I would receive the answer as to what kind of diseases I would be able to heal. I felt that it was essential for me to learn how to master this mysterious and uncontrollable energy that would sometimes overpower my body and mind. This energy was my weakest point. I had to know what it was.
I decided to practice 24 hours each day. I ate only one cup of rice a day. In my dreams I stopped traveling and talking with spirit beings. Instead I just sat in a meditative posture. I even stopped seeing images. I was meditating on emptiness. I practiced going in and out between my dream and waking states. I was waiting for the mornings, because this was a really dull and boring practice.