Soon I realized my mind was full of spiritual knowledge, because I’m a fanatical practitioner, but my heart was closed. I realized that I didn’t know what real love was, even if I had met many spiritual Masters. I had never encountered the kind of love that I was searching for, but that I knew in my heart this love existed. I felt a huge pull and I was convinced that this was the key to progress, because The Love and The Supreme are the same.
Then, by chance, I met a Sufi Master who offered me a deal. If I would stop practicing Tibetan Dream Yoga, he would show me what I was looking for. He was the first person in my life who transmitted a mysterious power and an undeniably attractive quality. His presence was modest, devoted, deep, and silent….. I immediately trusted him and promised everything to him. I surrendered myself to his presence. He looked at me and my mind stopped… nothing remained but this silence – the kind of silence that I had never experienced before.
After this encounter I went home, but I really couldn’t understand how the body could move without the mind. I read a lot about ‘no mind’, but reality was so different. At home I sat down in meditation and suddenly a light shone in the room. Everything was beautifully splendid. Illumined from the inside. I had never seen this kind of light. I knew immediately I had found what I had searched for. I cried out of happiness for hours. I felt the presence of Supreme Love.
After this experience I lost the boundary of being a person for many months. When I observed someone, I could hear their thoughts and know what they were feeling. That experience changed my life. I could see that people were guided by two voices that talk at the same time. One is a loud, constant, inanimate mind-machine. The other one is very quiet, soft, ageless and innocent. So many different perspectives and ways to describe this… I prefer to call it simply the heart or soul when I refer to this place or state of being.
Then came the best part. I had the profound experience of talking to somebody from the heart who also spoke from the heart. This connection and way of being was beautiful. I knew immediately: “That! Yes! This is what I want.” This was a genuine way of life for me. I started to seek out the company of people who had similar values. It was so natural, simple, sincere and real. We don’t have to be a saint or an angel, not even spiritual to be in the heart!
After this awakening, I began to study a unique kind of energetic healing from Kazakhstan, as well as practicing with a Tai Chi Master. Many years later, I finally started to work with my own healing energy by helping others.
One day I went to visit my client in the hospital. The doctors had been saying for at least one month, that she would die. She was full of pain and fear – shouting, crying and suffering so much. She was terribly afraid of her imminent death (this was the purpose of her calling me to heal her). At the end of the treatment, she returned to her heart and with that coming home… the pain and fear disappeared. She was peaceful and happy. She asked me: “Please don’t call my family, because they can’t help me. They would only cry and make a big drama. I will pass away right now because I can see my mother in the light calling me to be with her.” Then she died. That’s it. Just like that. One moment there, the next moment gone. Simply and naturally passing away. I was shocked. I needed time to understand that death can be so natural, just like going to sleep. When we are connected to the heart, everything happens as it’s supposed to happen, in its own time, naturally… even death.
Then I had the great fortune to meet my Master, who is a living example for me of freedom and enlightenment. I can’t find words to talk about her. In her presence, I started to see that I have always known everything about love. When this realization dawned, life presented me with the biggest obstacle and lesson. I fell terribly ill.
It seemed as if I was going to die. I immediately knew the reason; a vow that I had made during a healing session. I had tried to save my Mother’s life and in another instance I had tried to save a man’s life who was deeply in my heart. My Mother had had a malignant tumor 12 years before. I thought I had healed her, but in reality I had taken on her illness. I had done the same with the man whom I had wanted to save. After a while I understood that I had interfered with their destiny and that I hadn’t allowed for their karma to be fully expressed or realized. I felt that I had betrayed them. I had to offer them back to their destinies.
I had thought my mother was a strong woman, that nothing bad could happen to her, so I gave back her spiritual burden. Three weeks later she was hospitalized and in a short time she died. I felt that I killed her… After this tragedy, I wouldn’t allow myself to make the same ‘mistake’ again, like sending the man whom I deeply loved, to his death. It was essential that I truly understand, what it means to heal and help others. Because real love is not about sacrificing my life for others. This love is not a sentimental feeling or an emotion but so much more…